SIX: BEN AGAIN

Theme Song: Whole Again, Jennifer Knapp

Felix woke to the sound of the passing train. His thigh was numb, and yellow sunlight was coming through the blinds. The covers were off the bed, and Joey was sprawled across him like a crooked cross, his mouth open on Felix’s shoulder, and drool on the pillow. Felix didn’t want to wake him. He looked sweet that way, and Joey had actually never slept in his bed. They had sex, sometimes long bouts of it, and then Joey went home.

     As the train noise died, Felix craned his neck. He couldn’t see what time it was from here, but he knew sooner or later the alarm would go off, and he would have to get up and go to church. It was Sunday. He stretched out his leg and Joey fit between his thighs better. Saint Margaret’s had no real claim on him except that Valerie had made him promise to come for a year. He’d much rather stay right here.

     “Joey,” Felix whispered, tapping his buzzed head. “Joey.”

     “Um,” the boy, who was a man, who had a man’s muscles, back and buttocks, pushed closer to him, and pressed his erection into him.

     “You need to wake up,” Felix said, pushing him gently on his side so that Joey blinked his blue eyes and looked at him.

     “Oh, shit,” Joey murmured.

     “You can stay as long as you want,” Felix told him, stretching, “but I have to make coffee and get in the shower.”

     Joey yawned and stretched while Felix got up.

     “I heard those assholes downstairs half the night,” Joey said. “I wonder if they heard us.”

     “I hope so,” Felix said.

     When Felix was naked in the kitchen, Joey said, “Coffee sounds like a good idea. Can I get some?”

     “Um hum,” Felix said.

     A few moments later he heard Joey pissing in the bowl and thought about Scott. Was it a right that men seized on? Having fucked you, they pissed with the door open? Was it some anthropological thing from caveman days, marking territory? Joey hit the flush, and as Felix came out, the coffee percolating, Joey sat on the side of the bed, unshaven, very handsome, and he looked up at Felix.

     “We should have sex again.”

     “Again?”

     They’d had good times in the past, but last night the sex had lasted well into the night, deep and aggressive, pushing past some deep need and all resentment. Joey reminded Felix of an old boyfriend whom he used to send clips from porn displaying all the positions he wanted to try. That boyfriend would show up in the morning and they would do them, sometimes successfully, sometimes, falling off the bed and laughing.

     Last night so much had sprung to their minds, and they had done it, drifted to sleep, gotten up to do it again, finally fallen asleep in each other’s arms.

     “Should we do it before we shower or after?” Felix asked when Joey’s eyes said, “Yes, again.”

     Joey sniffed his arm pit and said, “I like the way I smell.”

     The dark hair on Scott’s body went to gold, Joey’s went to black. Joey’s sex came up thick and hard from a black bush. Ready. Felix moved to turn off the alarm clock.

     “We’ll do it before we shower, then,” he said. “But I have to use the bathroom first.”

    

    

“So are you going to tell me what happened last night?” his sister Valerie asked, when they were at the Pub for lunch after church.

     “I don’t know,” Felix said, spearing a piece of cod with his fork. “Are you going to tell me how your panties ended up on the chapel altar back at Nashotah?”

     “Felix!” Valerie looked around the Pub carefully.

     “Exactly,” her brother returned.

     “Well, I just won’t ask any questions, then.”

     “That would be best. You’d probably just be disappointed, anyway.”

     “Then I think I already know the answer to what happened. Where are you and Scott at now?”

     “That would be a question, Val.”

     Valerie sighed, and Felix said, “The truth is, every time he goes up to Michigan, I really don’t know where we are. But we shouldn’t be anywhere because he’s married.”

     “He loves you, Felix!”

     “Really?” Felix put down his fork, incredulous. “You’re a priest and you’re telling me about how much a married man’s love means.”

     “I’ve seen him,” Valerie said. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. No one has ever loved you more.”

     “No one?”

     “Well, me. But I’m your sister. You know what I mean.”

     “And he said we were not exclusive. I said we weren’t. And you know what Val? We were not supposed to sleep together. That just happened when he came back from Michigan all nuts. And now… Well, he came back again.”

     Valerie said nothing while she watched her brother’s brow knit. He was decided something, she knew. Then he said, “Fuck it, I will talk about it.”

     On the stage an afternoon band was setting up, and the lead singer began to sing:

Doctors have come from distant cities

Just to see me

Stand over my bed

Disbelieving what they're seeing

They say I must be one of the wonders

Of god's own creation

And as far as they can see they can offer

No explanation

     “Ugh,” Felix muttered. “No one else should ever do Natalie Merchant.

     “Anyway,” Felix said, playing with his cole slaw, “Scott has apparently brought his kids back here, and he’s going to set up house with them.”

     “Felix,” Valerie said, gently, “they are his children.”

     “Goddamnit I know that. I’m not one of your crazy parishioners. You don’t have to priest counsel me.”

     “Someone is touchy.”

     “I’ve been touchy for almost forty years,” Felix dismissed it. “Oh, and here’s the topper. He fucked his lawyer.”

     “He….” Valerie started. Then she said, “Male or female.”

     “Male. Which matters more,” Felix said. “They had sex yesterday. He told me how he loved me and wanted us to settle into a life, and then he went and fucked Mac or Matt or whatever.” Felix stopped, looking at a family looking at him.

     “Could you…” “ the mother began, “tone it down?”

     Felix opened his mouth. The kids were looking at him amazed, and Felix said, “You just need to know shit like this happens. And it’s not fair.”

     “Well, I never—” the father began.

     “You know you have,” Felix frowned at him.

“She’ll make her waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy! She’ll make her way!” the singer caterwauled.

     “Oh, who the fuck is that who cannot sing?” Felix stood up, but when he looked up he immediately sat down.

     “Oh, I’m leaving!”, the mother said, but Felix leaned over and said, “Valerie… look? The singer.”

     Felix shoved his fedora on his head and looked away.

     “That looks a lot like Ben,” Valerie said.

     “Because it is.”

     “Well, that’s….” Valerie looked at her brother. “That’s awkward. That’s awkward, isn’t it?”

     “Maybe he doesn’t see me.”

     “Uh…. Maybe. But… it isn’t likely.”

     “Why not?” Felix asked, paying a great deal of attention to the floor.

     “Because he’s coming to our table.”

     “Felix, is that you?” a playful voice said.

     “Felix stop looking at the table and say hi to Ben,” Valerie said.

     Felix looked up miserably and Ben said, “It’s good to see you. Can I sit down?”

     “Why are you dressed like me?” Felix said as Ben, wearing Madras shirt,  sat down, his fedora cocked over one eye.

     “I wasn’t in such great shape last time you saw me,” Ben said, ignoring the question.

     “Well, you look great now,” Valerie said.

     Yeah,” Ben touched the gold red beard growing along his jaw. “I’ve been getting my act together.”

     “I could leave you alone,” Valerie offered.

     “Why the hell would you do that?” Felix demanded, then hearing himself he said, “I mean… when we have to be back at Saint Margaret’s by three.”

     Valerie’s expression changed and she said, “Oh, yes. To set up for the potluck. I almost forgot.”

     “Good thing I’m here to remind you,” Felix murmured.

     “Well,” Ben said, “Maybe we can get together. You and me.”

     He pointed from himself to Felix.

     “Uh…” Felix began. “Okay?”

     “I work here,” Ben told him. “I’m the lead singer.”

     “Yes,” Felix said, neutrally.

     Ben laughed and said, “I know what you mean. I’ll never do Natalie Merchant again.”

     Felix nodded, and this time he laughed.

     “If I promise to never do Natalie Merchant again,” Ben asked him, “will you go to lunch with me tomorrow?”

     “Yes,” Felix said.

The plans for a nap were ruined by Buffalo Soldier thrumming through the sixth floor and up onto the seventh.

     “From them?” Felix murmured.

     “Enough.”

     Time to take care of this. He thumped on the door but no one answered. He thumped again, but still no answer. He breathed out of his nose and then thumped on the door and, at last, the door opened and Bob Marley blasted him in the face while a not entirely unattractive unshaven guy in briefs answered the door half asleep.

     “Other people live here,” Felix said. “Please turn your music down. Or better, turn it off.”

     The young man, boy really, blinked at him, and Felix said, “Thank you.”

     As the door shut he went up the stairs, but stopped, surprised when it was suddenly louder. And then it was louder and another door opened, a couple of more doors. This is when it happened, when Felix picked up the fire ax by the extinguisher, came to the door and began hacking into it and a few minutes later he stood on the other side of a door whose top was demolished with four neighbors and the guy in his underwear and his roommate standing on the other side.

     “What did you just do?” the roommate, taller than the first demanded.

     “See how that music is off?” Felix said. “That is the perfect volume.”

     Behind him Leah in 623 began to clap, and then others nodded or clapped while the shorter boy said, “We’ll tell.”

     “Tell what, that you were smoking large amounts of pot which we can all smell? Or tell that you were driving your neighbors crazy?”

     “Tell that you fucking destroyed our door with an ax!” the tall one said.

     But Leah too the ass from Felix’s hands and, polishing it with the edge of her housecoat, said, “I didn’t see anyone hack your door down.”

     “Me neither,” Gus in 620 said.

     “Now,” Felix said, taking a bow, “if you don’t mind, I’ll be catching up on my sleep. Welcome to the Maron Arms. This is how we do business.”

     As Felix was headed upstairs, he heard Leah say, “This is how we always do business.”

Felix was in the middle of a fish and chips nap when his phone rang shrilly, and he rolled out of bed naked—the only way to sleep—and crawled on hands and knees about the apartment searching for the little buzzing phone.

     “Huh…hullo?” he began.

     “Felix?”

     “Huh?” he said, because it sounded like Scott, but it could have been Joey.

     “It’s me.”

     Only Scott would say that.

     “Hey.”

     “Did I wake you?”

     “You know I pretty much sleep in after church.”

     “Yeah,” Scott said. “Sorry about that.” He sounded strange, like he was about to say something. Was he about to ask about Joey? Could he know?

     “I’ve got the kids with me.”

     Should he say he knew? Did Scott know Joey had spent the night here?

     “That’s… Well, that’s good isn’t it?”

     “Yeah,” Scott said. “I just wanted you to know why I hadn’t called yet. Or… Yeah, I’m going to be looking at places so we can all live together. Maybe I’ll even get an apartment in your building.”

     Felix woke up right away.

     “That’s a terrible idea.”

     “Whaddo you mean? It’s a great idea.”

     “You need a two bedroom apartment, at least,” Felix said quickly. “It would be cheaper to get a house.”

     While Scott tried to marshall a response, Felix added, “Besides, if you’re getting divorced and the judge has to look at custody, they’re going to see a woman with an empty house or a man with an apartment.”

     “That’s true,” Scott noted. “I probably should look at a house.”

     Then he said, “Wouldn’t that be neat. Instead of me staying over with you, you could stay with me. In a house. It would be like our house. No, it would be our house.”

     “What, and we’d raise your kids together? You’d be the daddy and I would be the mama?”

     There was a palpable pause on the other side of the phone ,and then Scott said “Are you pissed with me? You’re not yourself.”

     “Scott, I’m fine.”

     “Can I come over?”

     “Not right now. I’m going back to bed.”

     “Well, I didn’t mean right now,” Scott said, though Felix wasn’t sure if he was lying.

     “My family wants to do Vespers at church tonight, and I’m gonna take the kids. But afterward can I come over?”

     “Yeah,” Felix said, instantly ashamed of his attitude. The moment he sounded flippant, he realized he loved Scott and wanted to see him.

     “Yes,” he said. “I’ll be here.”

“Put some clothes on,” Scott said when he arrived at the door.

     “I’m wearing clothes.”

     “You’re wearing basketball shorts and a dirty tee shirt, and if I know you, that’s not the way you want to go into the world.”

     Felix was about to say, “Maybe you don’t know me,” but that sounded trifling, so he got up, went to his large closet, closed the door behind him and got dressed inside of it.

     “Where are we going?”

     “On our date,” Scott said. “Remember?”

     “I had actually forgotten,” Felix confessed.

     Scott gave a corny wink and said, “I never forget.”

     “What are you doing?”

     “I’m offering you my arm,” Scott said, “Like a gentleman.”

     “We’re in the Midwest, not California.”

     “I don’t care,” Scott said. “Not if you don’t.”

     Felix did care, but not about that, and Scott closed the door behind him and folded his arm across his chest. He looked so handsome in a dark blue blazer over a white shirt and a sky blue tie. Just for him? Just for him.

     “I wish you’d tell me what was wrong.”

     “I know you had sex with Matt yesterday.”

     Scott blinked, looking slapped.

     “Joey was here.”

     “Yes.”

     “Why would he…” then Scott said, “Joey’s in love with you. Joey just told me. I mean, I just told him. About me.”

     “What are you talking about?” Felix sat down.

     “I just told Joey I was gay yesterday. And… he told me the same thing. I told him I was in love with you.”

     “But… you slept with Matt.”

     “I… I don’t know what was going on.”

     “But you did fuck him?”

     “Please don’t say that.”

     “But—”

     “Yes, Felix! Yeah, damnit. I did. I fucked Matt alright? He fucked me. Is that what you want to hear?”

     “You weren’t going to tell me. You were going to pretend that it never happened.”

     “That’s what you said you wanted!” Scott shouted. “You said you wanted someone who cared enough to lie! Well, this is me caring enough. We went back to his place. We were talking about the case. We got high. We fooled around and yeah, I fucked him. Do you want to hear about the sweat, and what it tasted like and if I went down on him?”

     “Please stop.”

     Scott shook his head.

     “You said we weren’t exclusive. You said that. You knew I wanted to be. I didn’t break any promises. Not a one. And by the way, who are you fucking when you’re not with me?”

     When Felix said nothing, Scott said, “Cause I know you’re fucking someone. I know you are.”

     Scott looked at him suspiciously.

     “Is it that punkass Ben? Or is it Rule’s crazy ass? No…” Scott looked down, squinting as if he were divining it from Felix’s face. Then suddenly his eyes bulged and he put his hand to his mouth, staggering back.

     “No!” Scott decided. “No. That is not happening.”

     He turned away from Felix.

     “You’re fucking my brother.”

     Felix said nothing.

     “That’s why he’s so jealous. That’s why you know him. That’s why you came to pick me up at the airport.”

     Scott said nothing after this. He just looked at the floor.

     “I thought we loved each other,” he said, finally.

     “Maybe we don’t really love each other that much, then,” Felix said.

     Scott sat on the floor, under the door and pulled his knees to his chest, folding his arms over his blue trousers.

     “No, Felix,” he said, “I do love you.”

     Then he said, “Were you with Joey before you found out he was my brother?”

     “Surprised would be an understatement.”

     “Then you actually cheated on my brother with me. He’s the one who should be pissed, then?”

     “He didn’t want us to be serious. He… wanted to be bi. He did not want to date me. And he’s too young to date seriously. And then you came. And we were not supposed to be having sex. Not you and me. That was not supposed to happen. I didn’t cheat on anybody. But I’m afraid I did lie to the both of you.”

     “I’ve been lying to everyone my whole life,” Scott said. “So I can’t get too mad. Only… I did cheat on you. It wasn’t complicated with me.” Scott looked up at Felix. “We slept together on Friday. I told you I loved you Saturday, and then I fucked Matt Saturday afternoon, and I really don’t know why.”

     Felix crossed the room, getting on his knees before Scott. He took Scott’s hands in his hands. Scott looked up at him.

     “Don’t you think before anything else happens between us you should figure out why?”

     “I don’t know what you mean?”

     “I’m not Jen. Just because we fell into bed you don’t have to fast forward this into a marriage. We can just be friends like we were. And be free till you decide what you want.”

     “I want you!” Scott insisted. “I want us to be together!”

     “Scott,” Felix shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere. Just… You just got out of something.”

     “Felix, I know what I want. I’ve never had what I want in my life, and now—”

     “If you really wanted it you would never have slept with Matt.”

     Scott opened his mouth, but Felix said, “I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying I know what you want, but what I want is to never be in a relationship with someone who loves me so much they have to fuck other people.”

     Felix stood up, shaking his head. “I’m not doing that again.”

     Scott nodded his head.

     “Do you want me to go?” Scott said, sounding a little sullen.

     “No,” Felix told him. “I want you to stay. But not the night.”

“Daddy,” Taylor said sleepily from the big chair in the living room.

     “He insisted on staying up for you,” Scott’s mother said.

     “Did you, Buddy?” Scott whispered, picking Taylor up.

     “You look nice, Daddy.”

     Scott kissed him on the top of his head and he said, “And so do you, and now it’s time to go to bed. Say goodnight to Grandma.”

     “G’night Grandma.”

     G’night ma,” Scott said, hefting Taylor up in his arms and going up the stairs. He placed Taylor tenderly into bed, and when the other one woke up he kissed him too.

     “You too sleep tight,” Scott said, closing the door behind him. “Daddy loves you.”

     Having done that he went down the hall, and turned the handle of the last bedroom. He walked in, closed the door behind him and knelt on the side of the bed.

     “Wake up,” he said with none of the gentleness he’d used on the boys.

     Joey woke up instantly and blinked up at his brother.

     “Scott.”

     Scott’s hand fell on Joey’s throat like a cuff and while Joey lost breath, Scott said, calmly, I know… what you did…. You little fuck.”

     Scott released Joey’s throat, and Joey sat up, gagging in bed.

     “I’m watching you, asshole,” Scott told him.

     And then he got up and left.

There was a very soft knock on his door, too soft for Joey. Felix answered and said, “The would be rastas from downstairs?”

     “What you did….” The tall one began.

     “Use your words,” Felix began.

     “People get fucked up trying shit like you did,” the short one said.

     Felix smiled at him.

     “Not by you,” he said, looking up at the tall one, then, looking down, “and certainly not by you.”

     “This is not going the way it was supposed to,” the short one looked up at the tall one.

     “Just behave like neighbors,” Felix said, “and no one gets their door smashed in. Oh, by the way, you should bring me up a joint.”

     The shorter one blinked at him.

     “A joint,” Felix said, “and no hard feelings.”

     Suddenly, the tall one said, “Do you want to come down and get high?”

     Felix thought about and said, “Yes.”

I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you

     “Now a lot of people think George Harrison made this song, but this is the original,” the tall one, called Rob, said, as he licked the blunt closed. “So much better.”

A whole lot of precious time
It's gonna take patience and time, um
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it right child

     It was a better version and Felix thought of saying something about white people profiting off of Black music, but just took the blunt and inhaled, holding the smoke in his lungs and letting his eyes water a little as he passed it to Kevin, the shorter one. He had noticed Kevin with his five o’clock shadow, wiry brown hair and stocky build before he noticed that, Rob, leaking smoke from his nostrils now, had a certain attraction as he sang, smoke leaking from his nostrils:

Set on you
I got my mind set on you!

Rob gestured to Kevin and for a moment, Felix had this sixth grade feeling, as if they were about to share a secret and leave him out, but just then, Rob opened his mouth, and breathed smoke into Kevin’s. They stayed that way a moment before Rob said, “You don’t mind, do you?”

     “That is the last thing I mind,” Felix said.

     On their way upstairs, Kevin of the cargo shorts and snug tee shirt confided in Felix, “We get a little gay sometimes. Especially when we get high. Rob thought you might be freaked out.”

     “Kevin,” Felix said, on his way up the stairs, “I get a little gay every day. Sometimes a lot.”

“You’ll wanna bring coffee,” Ben said, winking at the waitress. “Felix likes his coffee.”

     “I’m fine,” Felix said. “I had plenty of coffee.”

     Ben held his hand out.

     “It’s all on me. So don’t worry about it, and you get anything you want.”

     “I forgot you had a generous streak.”

     “I think you forgot a lot about me,” Ben told him as the waitress brought a pot of coffee and Ben said, “Thank you, Naomi.’

     She winked at him.

     “I think she likes me,” Ben said.

     “And?”

     “I’m just saying. Uh, can I get some of that coffee?”

     “Well, you did pay for it.”

     Felix looked down the list and said, “Maybe I will pay for my own meal.”

     “Why?” Ben said, then, “Oh, yeah. I’m not gonna do that anymore.”

     “You’re not a vegetarian anymore?”

     “I am,” Ben said. “But I’m not asking you to be one with me?”

     “I used to think it was cute, and then when you’d offer to pay for my meal as long as I didn’t order meat it got a little…”

     “Crazy?”

     “Tyrannical.”

     When Naomi returned, Felix ordered the fish and chips, and Ben the fried vegetable tray. Felix said, “How did you get back here? I mean, why did you come back? If I’d left, I wouldn’t come back.”

     “Ah,” Ben folded his hands under his chin, “I don’t know about that. I love being back home. I thought things were better on the other side of the rainbow.”

     “Does it stop raining enough for you  to ever get a rainbow in Seattle?”

     Ben chuckled and shook his head.

     “That’s what I miss about you.”

     “You missed me so much you trasned my apartment when you came back?”

     “If you can remember,” Ben said, “I was very methodical. I didn’t break anything and I never touched any of your art.”

     Now it was Felix’s turn to smile and he said, “That is true. And that is you.”

     “I could never damage anything that was yours,” Ben said seriously.

     Naomi came with two beers, and put them on the table.

     “There you go, guys.”

     “Thanks Naomi,” Ben said while Felix nodded.

     Before Felix could puzzle over opening the beer, Ben reached across the table and did it himself.

     “You always had trouble with that.”

     “You did damage something of mine,” Felix said.

     “I didn’t do it on purpose,” Ben said, “And you ruined my car so we’re even.”

     Felix looked at him.

     “I’m joking,” Ben said. “I know what I did. I was a coward. I… No one’s ever loved me again.”

     “What about?”

     “Please don’t bring her up again.”

     “Alright.”

     “No one ever loved me. Me, not who they thought I was or who they wanted me to be. I didn’t appreciate that. I was really dumb.”

     “You’ll get no argument from me there.”

     “I didn’t think I would. Now what about that Scott?”

     “Scott?”

     “Yeah, the tall handsome former football player who busted my face?”

     “Nothing’s happening with Scott.”

     “That’s nuts!” Ben blew that away with a hand gesture. “Of course there is. He would kick ass for you. I know that look.”

     “You do?”

     “Yeah, I do. Because believe it or not, I would have kicked ass for you.”

     “That would have been—”

     “Futile and unnecessary, but I would have done it. All one hundred twenty pounds of me.”

     “Well, I think something would happen with him. If I allowed it. But he’s confused. He’s got a wife and two kids.”

     “What?”

     “I mean he’s leaving his wife, getting divorced, and his wife is a real bitch. But that is pretty much the story of every bisexual who hits you up. I’m basically like, when the ink dries on the divorce papers, get a hold of me. Until then,” Felix gave a superior sigh, “it really doesn’t matter.”

     Naomi brought their food in steaming newspaper, and placed it on the table cautioning, “It’s hot, guys!”

     “Thank you,” Felix said.

     “I’ll be back to check on you later,” Naomi said.

     Ben nodded and Felix said, “She thinks you’re aborable.”

     “She thinks we are adorable,” Ben said, opening up his paper so that fried vegetables steamed in his face. “I told her you were coming, and I think I’m transparent. I think she saw how excited I was.”

     “Well…” Felix shrugged.

     “And I am excited,” Ben said, taking a fried vegetable, and dipping it in ranch dressing. “But I see by the look on your face that you’re totally in love with this Scott guy.”

     “I… I like him.”

     “See,” Ben pointed at him with a fry, “you can be transparent too. I wondered if I still know you, and I still do.”

     Felix carefully broke the fried fish in two. It was so moist it almost fell apart, and he dipped it in Tartar sauce.

     “If you knew me so well, then how could you do the things you did to me?” Felix said. “If you knew me so well, how could you be so blind?”

     “Ouch, Felix,” Ben put down a vegetable.”

     “But you did, and I am over it. Mostly. Except…”

     “I know,” Ben said. “I know it, I know.”

     “Benny, I’m not exactly sure what you want from me? I don’t know why you’re excited for me to be here.”

     “I want us to be together.”

     “You just said you knew how I felt about—”

     “I want to be in your life. I want us to be friends together and yeah…”

     “And yeah, what?”

     “Nevermind,” Ben nearly looked cross.

     “You cannot leave it hanging.”

     Ben took a breath and looked around, but the Pub was pretty empty.

     “If you’re not with Scott right now, then why can’t you come upstairs with me?”

     “What?”

     “I live upstairs now. In the apartment over the Pub.”

     “You want…” Felix rewound what Ben was saying in his head.

     “Let’s have sex,” Ben said. “I want to have sex with you.”

     Felix had an instant erection, but he took a sip of his beer and pretended to be more interested in greasy fried fish and Tartar sauce than he’d ever been before.

     “Ben?”

     “Yeah?”

     “I slept with Scott. Almost by accident, but not quite.”

     “Oh,” Ben said. “Well, okay.”

     “And I was already sleeping with his brother when he came back into town.”

     “Shit.”

     “Yes. And now I’m not with either one.”

     “I’m trying to figure out where you’re going with this.”

     “Benjamin, if I go upstairs with you, whatever happens is just a divergence and a distraction from dealing with Scott and his family. It’s not an invitation to a relationship.”

     “I’m cool with that,” Ben said, crossing his arms over his chest. “It can be what it is.”

     “Okay.”

     “And what it is, is the two of us having sex up in my room.”

     Ben, being Ben immediately followed this bold statement by coloring, and Felix thought of all their time in the past. If anything was going to happen, it had to be up to him, and he looked across at Ben. He wasn’t in love with Ben, but he did want to have sex with him. It wasn’t even so much being physically attracted to him. Ben was angelic and pretty. Sex always seemed like an opportunity to Felix, and walking away from it was an opportunity rejected.

     “Ben, come here.”

     Ben raised an eyebrow, but he obeyed and rounded the table to sit next to Felix.

     “Yeah?” Ben said.

     Felix pushed his hand between Ben’s thighs and firmly gripped his dick. Ben’s eyes changed, but just then Naomi was coming. Ben colored, but Felix laughed, pulling on Ben under the table as he smiled up at Naomi and said, “Thank you,” taking the check with his free hand.

     “That’s for you, he told Ben.”

     Ben’s mouth was half open, and his eyes unfocused.

     “He’s talking to you, silly,” Naomi said.

     “Yeah,” Ben said while Naomi walked off, shaking her head.

     “I can’t concentrate if you keep doing that,” Ben’s voice was shallow.

     “Do you want me to stop?”

     Ben closed his eyes.

     “Fuck, no.”

     Then he said, “Yes. We’re in fucking public.”

     Felix released Ben and Ben put down his money. “We need to get the fuck out of here,” Ben said.

Upstairs in his room, Ben looked at the floor and then up into Felix’s face, gripping his shoulders. He pressed his mouth to Felix’s and then parted from him. Felix leaned in and kissed him, pushing him to the bed and they made out on the bed, Felix’s hands going through Ben’s golden hair, Ben’s hands running over Felix’s scalp that had a day’s growth of hair. Felix pushed Ben onto the bed and began unbuttoning his shirt.

     “I forgot you were hairy?”

     “What’s that mean?”

     Felix ran a finger down the red gold hair going down Ben’s stomach.

     “It means I miss your hairy belly.”

     He pulled down Ben’s pants and said, “You still don’t wear underwear. I could see your dick through your pants the moment I walked into the Pub.”

     Felix bent down and Ben moaned when Felix took him in his mouth. Felix had only had sex with Ben once, and his one regret was Ben’s dick. Like a lot of little guys, his got bigger and bigger in Felix’s mouth, and it wasn’t hard to pleasure him. Ben wasn’t one of those men who would put his hand on Felix head and try to deep throat him. He just let out small cusses while Felix worked.

     “I’m gonna come if you don’t stop!” Ben said. “Let me do you.”

     So they undressed and did each other in Ben’s bedroom and Felix noticed for  a moment that Ben’s bed was clean, and his room clean. He had planned for this. While Felix lay on his back, holding Ben’s cock in his mouth, his hands running up and down his thighs, massaging his ass, running up his back, and Ben lay across him, sucking him, bending to lick his balls, to eat his ass, Felix pulled Ben from his mouth.

     “Do you want to fuck me?”

     “Um hum,” Ben started, then stopped eating Felix and said, “Yes. I want to look at you. I want to do it face to face. Looking into your eyes.”

     Scott liked that too. As off putting as it could be, Felix preferred that to men who closed their eyes and had actually thrown men out of his house for looking in the other direction.

     They shifted, kneeling naked in front of each other.

     “Do you want me to get a condom?” Ben asked him.

     “Do you need to?”

     Ben was stroking his dick to keep it hard.

     “I’d rather not,” he said. “I’d like to pretend we’re at the place where we don’t need it. I know we’re not, though. I…”

     “Who’ve you been with?”

     “You know me. Before you met me I hadn’t had sex in two years.”

     That was true. Felix chose not to say that it was interesting he had broken his streak with April and not him.

     “Just fuck me Ben. Do you have… something?”

     “Like, lube?”

     “Like lube.”

     “Shit.”

     Ben got up and went to the kitchenette.

     “What the hell?” he murmured.

     He pulled out the Wesson and stuck his dick in the cooking oil.

     Felix was nonplussed. He only said, “Bring the bottle with you. We might need more.”

     His dick dripping oil, Ben knelt between Felix’s legs, and they fitted themselves together, both of them grunting, their eyes bulging.

     “I’m in,” Ben said.

     Felix laughed and then winced, and Ben laughed too and then they began to rock together, Felix drawing Ben into his arms, wrapping his thighs around Ben’s body, pulling him in, running his hands down Ben’s back and pulling his face to him, kissing him.

     Their bodies were pressed tight, their hands gripping, their mouths locked. Ben’s face and body arched up and when he came, he came laughing. He’d barely finished and came mostly on the bed sheets when Felix, covered in sweat, turned him on his stomach and fucked him aggressively until he came too. In the aftermath of it they lay trembling side by side, touching hands lightly, dicks still hard and wet.

     After a bit Felix reached for his cigarettes and when Ben inhaled the smoke he said, “are you going to share.”

     Felix passed it and then after Ben took too drags Felix said, “Actually you should get your own. Do you have an ashtray?”

     Ben got up, his belly slick with semen and sweat.

     “Do you want to get cleaned off?” he asked Felix.

     “Not just yet,” Felix said. “Not at all, really And that’s not like me.”

     Ben brought back a saucer, placed it between them, and collapsed on his back, exhaling smoke.

     “Are you in a hurry?”

     “Not today,” Felix said. “Do you have to get back to work?”

     Ben shook his head.

     “I was done when I was with you.”

     Felix ashed his cigarette.

     “Whaddo we do now?”

     “We used to just spend the whole day together and not worry about it,” Ben said.

     Felix nodded.

     “It’s easy to be with you,” Ben said. “Too easy.”

     “You need to ash that cigarette.”

     Ben did so.

     “Whaddo you mean too easy?” Felix said.

     “I took us for granted before,” Ben said. He stubbed out his cigarette and turned on his side. “That’s enough for now.”

     Felix agreed with that and crushed his out too.

     When Felix turned around to face him, Ben touched his thigh.

     “We could sit around, talk, read books, hang out. Fuck when we feel like it. Go out to eat. I’ll play you guitar like I used to, and we can fuck some more.”

     “Are you trying to get me back?”

     Ben leaned across him and kissed him for a long time, sliding his hand between Felix’s thighs.

     “I’m just trying to keep doing what we’ve already started.”