When he was sixteen, the
Calverton Panthers won the last game of the season 23 to 7. It ended with Scott
Flowers, Number 48 in
his maroon uniform zigzagging through the desperate hands and leaping bodies of
Saint Stephen’s, their old arch nemesis, and when he made the touchdown he
slammed the ball so hard into the ground it was a wonder it didn’t rupture. His
teammates pounced on him the way he had feared Saint Stephen’s would. They
hoisted him up on his shoulders, and it wasn’t that he thought he was special,
he wasn’t. But Scott’s life had always been life this. He had always been sort
of tall, bronze haired and good looking, good natured. He and the rest of the
team took the Gatorade and drenched their coach. Their parents came out of the
stands. The band played louder and louder. It was a good day.
They
had taken pictures before, Scott looking fierce with war paint under his eyes,
but now there were new pictures, of them dirty, hoisting up each other, pictures
of Tolliver Andrews who had broken his leg at the Homecoming game.
Keep holding on
When my brain's tickin' like a
bomb
Guess the black thoughts have
come
Again to get me
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along mocking bird
You don't affect me
That afternoon led to that night
and the party in the basement of Brady Dischler’s house. The Dischlers let beer
into the house and more of it was spilled on Scott’s head than consumed.
They
slammed their heads together and shouted above Korn.
I'm coming undone
Irate
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
One looks so strong
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
One looks so strong
So delicate
And
then, while they were passed out on the floor laughing, Matt Rosh with the long
blond hair that he never cut, who liked to paint his fingernails to razz
everyone, fell down next to him laughing.
“Enough
of this,” Brady said. “This shit’s giving me a headache.”
The
music switched to Christina Aguilera and, along with everyone else, from the
floor, Scott shouted “Boooo.” Even though Brady said, “’Com’ on Over’s’ a
pretty straight up song.”
“Not
for tonight.”
“I
want to hear something sad,” Ryan declared.
“Something
sad, something sad, something sad,” the squat Jack Parrish said, leaning
forward and going through CDs.
“Oh,
she’s real sad.”
“What?”
Scott heard someone else say. But he only blinked.
And
then he heard Sheryl Crow singing.
“Oh,
yeah, this bitch is sad as fuck.”
“Let
her play!” Jack said.
“I’m
going to!” Whoever had said she was sad said.
“She’s
nice,” Matt said, putting his hands in his thick hair. “This is nice. I think
guys shouldn’t be afraid to be sensitive.”
“Yeah,”
Scott echoed.
The
room was darkened and his hood was hiding most of his face.
“That’s
what I’ve always liked about you, Flowers. You can crush the fuck out of
someone on the field, but you’re a sweet guy.”
“You
too, Matt. I’ve always liked you.”
“Yeah,”
Matt touched Scott’s hand.
Scott
pressed his shoulder against Matt’s and it was the perfect end to the perfect
day as Sheryl Crow sang:
I've
been long, a long way from here
Put
on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And
drank til I was thirsty again
We
went searching through thrift store jungles
Found
Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And
Benny Goodman's corset and pen
Well,
o.k. I made this up
I
promised you I'd never give up
And then suddenly, in the quiet
darkness, among his comrades, Scott turned and kissed Matt. It was so tender
and it was just what he’d been wanting to do and never known until that moment,
it felt so right, but suddenly Matt pushing himself away and, releasing Scott’s
hand, was blinking at him in horror.
If
it makes you happy
It
can't be that bad
If
it makes you happy
Then
why the hell are you so sad?
“No
man,” Matt said. “Not like that. I mean… not like that.”
Scott
laughed and shrugged.
“I’m
just fucking around,” he said.
“Right,”
Matt nodded, putting on a smile too.
“If
you can play around I can too, right?”
“Yeah,”
Matt said. “Just playing.”
“I’m
gonna get up,” Scott said, pushing himself up, “and get a beer.”
“Get
me one too, man.”
“Yeah,”
Scott said. “Right.”
He
was so red and so embarrassed, and only the beer could cool him down or make
him laugh after that. He kept drinking all night. He drank Brady Dischler under
the table. It was the first time he’d ever blacked out, and when he woke up on
Saturday morning, his head hurt so bad it was like someone had but a railroad spike
to it and driven it in with a mallet. Everyone laughed at him and the laughter
made it hurt even more, but while he drank coffee, squinting, and took aspirin,
this pain was a hell of a lot better than the dull ache and the hot
embarrassment that filled him when Matt had pushed him away and told him, “No.”
“I’m coming to Fort Atkins
“I
don’t know if that’s going to be possible.”
“Yeah,”
Scott said, doodling on the legal pad in front of him. “Well, I’ll be in around
one, and I’ll be to the house at three.”
“Where
are you staying?”
“I
could stay at the house.”
“That
might not be such a good idea.”
“Why?
Is the guy you’re fucking staying with you?”
“Scott,
don’t be crass.”
Scott
looked around the living room he’d grown up in. Wide windows looked out onto Berker Street
“That’s
not crass,” Scott disagreed. “I can be crass. You want to hear me be crass?”
“Not
really.”
“I
wouldn’t sleep in that fucking house, next to you rotting cunt, if the great
flood was going on outside and we were all about to die and you were Noah and
that house was the ark.”
“Scott!”
“But
I will be there for the kids. At three, On Saturday, because I’ve got a great
lawyer who just happens to be my best friend who just happens to have told me,
on my wedding day, that I should have never married a cunt like you.”
“Matt
Robb is an ass—”
Scott
hung up on her. He could feel his brother, in the usual cargo shorts and tee
shirt with backward cap, standing behind him.
“Can
I help you?” Scott wadded up the paper.
“Fuck,
you’re an asshole today!”
Scott
was angry for only a second, and then he turned around and said, “I’m sorry,
Joey, I don’t mean to take it out on you.”
“I
just wanted to know if you needed anything?”
“Nope.”
Scott said. “A walk. A bike ride. A jog with Pebbles as soon as I find her
leash, then back to this presentation. I’m just…”
Joey
came to his brother and put his hand on Scott’s sunken shoulder.
“You
got rid of her,” he said, “and that’s not a bad thing. She was always bad
news.”
Scott
nodded his head.
“Joe?”
“Unhuh?”
“Are
you going to college?”
“I
told Mom and Dad I’d try it this fall.”
“Don’t
try it. Do it. You don’t want to be a maintenance man your whole life.”
“Nothing
wrong with that,” Joey said. “The money’s good.”
“Look,”
Scott said. “Mom doesn’t want you to be a maintenance man your whole life.”
“Dad’s
a plumber.”
“And
he wants to have a son who’s a lawyer. I was a disappointment.”
“You
have a great job.”
“I’m
a secretary in a suit.”
“Everyone’s
a secretary in a suit,” Joey said. “I’m a maintenance man…. Who’s just
himself.”
Joey
turned for the door, and Scott said, “Ey, Joe? You good friends with Fee?”
“Yeah,”
Joey said. “Me and Felix are cool. You all were friends in college?”
“Yup.”
“Cool
that you all are hanging out,” Joey said.
“Yup?”
Scott said. “Maybe we can tonight. Could you pass him a message?”
“Maybe.
I mean, the day is busy?”
“You
never see him?” Scott said.
Joey
shrugged.
“Sometimes.”
He caught Joey’s hair in his
hands and pulled the boy’s face into his chest, wrapping his thighs around him
while, on the side of the bed, he fucked Felix harder and harder.
“Almost,”
Joey panted, thrusting again, “there.”
Felix
ran his hands down the boy’s sweating back, and pulled Joey in. He closed his
eyes and clenched his teeth feeling Joey fuck him, feeling Joey deep inside of
him.
“I’m
gonna come…” Joey warned him.
Felix
had already come against his belly a few minutes earlier and now, with the last
few thrusts, Joey made a staggering noise and moaned, “Oh—fuck—” as, pulling
back from Felix, he came, and then finished coming ,his damp head in Felix’s
arms.
Joey
rolled over and the two of them lay side by side on the bed, gasping.
When
Joey had finally caught his breath, he turned on his side and took the wet
cloth from the little table at the end of the bed, wiping his chest, wiping the
semen from his stomach while Felix got up and went into the bathroom. Joey
waited for the water to finish running and said, “Do you think I should go to
college?”
Felix
came out and lay on the bed beside him.
“It’s
not for everyone.”
“That’s
what I told Scott.”
“You
could give it a try.”
“He
just acts like…”
“Like
what?” Felix said, looking at the ceiling fan as it twirled slowly.
“It’s
like this… cure all. But it didn’t make him happy. Nothing makes him happy. I
dunno,” Joey shrugged. “I just want to be happy.”
Felix
turned on his side and Joey ran a hand over his chest.
“I
love looking at you,” he said.
“I
don’t know why,” Felix said, keenly aware of the imperfections of his body.
“You’re
amazing.”
“I’m
thirty-five.”
“That’s
not that old.”
“I
know it’s not,” Felix said, brow furrowed. “But it is…. I was your age almost
when you were born.”
“Wow,”
Joey sat up. “I hadn’t thought about that.”
“Try
not to think about it again.”
Joey
made a vacant face and made a rewinding gesture with one finger.
“Already
forgotten.”
“You
should go to college,” Felix said. “For a at least a semester.”
Joey
squatted on his hams, and because he was beautiful and well built, cream
colored with a broad back that went to a firm bottom, Felix got up and wrapped
his arms around him as Joey looked over Felix’s books.
“I
can’t be you,” Joey said.
“No,”
Felix agreed. “Few can be. But you can be yourself, and that’s almost as good.”
Suddenly
Joey turned around, threw Felix down and straddled him.
“And
now…” Felix began, “What are you going to do?”
Joey
reached under him and took Felix in his hands, stroking him.
“Maybe
ride the hell out of you?” Joey said, and looking up at the nineteen year old
who looked twenty three with the scruffy partial beard on his jaw and the
greenish blue eyes, the bronze brown
curling hair, he immediately went hard.
“Do
we even have time for that?” Felix said.
“You’re
a writer. You can always make time.”
“But
you’re the maintenance man.”
Joey
laughed and as he did they both gasped, for he had just began to pull Felix
into him, “Have you seen this shithole of a building? It’ll always need
maintenance. I’ve got time too,” he said.
And
then his mouth opened into a small o and his eyes went round as he pulled Felix
in. Felix was quiet, his mouth open too.
“That’s,”
Joey began as he began to move with Felix in him, “it.”
Joey
fucked him like that, pressing his hands against Felix’s chest, and he made
them both come together and then, while Felix looked up at his beautiful face,
suddenly Joey looked very stupid, not fierce as he usually did before coming.
“What?”
Felix said.
“I
just remembered. My brother asked me to ask you if he could come over tonight.”
Hearing
about Scott and still being hard inside of Joey was the weirdest feeling in the
world, but all Felix could do was blink and nod.
“Yeah…”
he said. “I’ll be free at nine.”
Scott
had not wanted to start college. He actually waited two years. He was working
at Media Play when he finally decided to go to City College
“Oh,
we’re so glad,” his mother said.
“I’d
thought you’d be wearing that blue shirt forever,” his father added.
He
did stay at Media Play. In fact he was at Media Play more than school, which he
slept through for the most part. Somewhere along the line be became a history
major.
“I’m
worried about you Scott,” Professor O’Connor said to him, frankly, as she
returned a paper to him. City
College
He
had never seen Felix before, but Felix was in two classes, and laughter was
always happening around him. After a while Scott started eavesdropping. When he
laughed out loud, Felix turned and looked at him, and then he smiled. And
that’s how Scott learned that if he laughed loudly from the other side of the
room, Felix would look at him. Felix was smart. Scott knew this, and could
explain with a joke a very long moment in history. But in the end Professor
O’Connor called them both to her desk and Scott, several inches taller, kept
looking at Felix, wondering what was up, and Felix gave him a wry look that
made him grin.
“Scott,
you’re a terrible student,” Professor O’Connor said simply. Scott grimaced and
Felix burst out laughing. This made Scott want to laugh for some reason, even
though he should have been indignant. Instead he bit the inside of his lip.
“And
Felix is a very good one. So would you tutor him?” Professor O’Connor asked.
“Sure,”
Felix shrugged.
“Forget
about doing the next paper then,” she said.
“Right
on!” Felix put his hands together.
“And
if he actually does well on the next paper, well then…” Professor O’Connor
shook her head, “We’ll talk.”
“Are
you free?” Felix said.
“I
need to be at work by four.”
“Then
you’re free,” Felix said. “We’ll work out a schedule.”
In
the courtyard Felix lit a cigarette, inhaled and said, “So what are your hours
like?”
“I
work fulltime?”
“Um,”
Felix said. Then, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to get around that.”
“I
guess weekends?” Scott said, glumly.
“I
don’t like weekends. Those are mine.”
“Right?”
Scott nodded, pleased.
“Do
you work nights?”
“Yeah.
But no one’s there but me after ten o;clock. Oh, and Thursday mornings.”
“I
guess I’ll just have to teach you at the store.”
Scott
blinked at him.
“Are
you serious?”
“I
don’t want to write that paper.”
When Felix answered the door that
night, Scott said, “Sorry I look so skuzzy.”
Felix
shook his head and laughed, “You look like you did when I met you.”
He
opened the door for Scott who came in wearing a ball cap and hooded sweatshirt.
“I
rushed right over here and my hair looks crazy is all. I swear I’m not trying
to be a frat boy.”
“Are
you thirst?” Felix asked him.
“I
could drink. Maybe just water. So,” Scott followed him into the kitchen, “You
talk to that Ben.”
“I
think he’s gone.”
“Good.”
Then Scott said, “It’s good, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“I
don’t have a right to speak,” Scott said as Felix poured the water into a plastic
tumbler.
“I
didn’t know all about that. I must have put you through some shit. I see that
now.
“You
didn’t put me through any shit,” Felix said, handing him the water, but Scott
wondered if he had said it too quickly.
“I
thought about you,” Scott said. Felix gestured for him to leave the kitchen,
and they went to the couch. “A lot.”
“I
never heard from you, though.”
“You
said,” Scott began. He looked at his water. He turned to Felix again.
“You
said I was like everybody else. And then I was pretty sure you were done with
me.”
“You
said,” Felix said, his voice a little hard, “that you wanted to be just like
everybody else.”
Scott
didn’t speak right away, and then he said, “I know.”
Then
he said, “Do you remember the first time you came to Media Play and we didn’t
learn anything? I mean, I didn’t. We just talked and talked and you told me
about how you had dropped out of the graduate school to study history for the
year.”
“And
you told me you didn’t like school.”
“And
then later on you told me about Ben. You didn’t tell me his name, just that he
didn’t work out. You didn’t tell all the details.”
“And
you told me about Matt. About kissing him.”
“That
was embarrassing.”
“I
still think Matt wanted it. I still think he fucked you over.”
Scott
nodded.
“I
got two A’s and finished that class out with a B,” Scott said. He waited a
moment and then he said, “We were together. Nothing happened, but we were
together. Weren’t we?”
“I know what you want,”
Scott told him while they sat together in the stock room.
“What I want?” Felix looked
at him.
“I want it too,” Scott
said, “Sort of.”
“I don’t know what you’re
talking about.”
“I’m talking about us. I’m
talking about me being… what Ben was to you.”
“A boyfriend. Or a pain in
the ass?”
Scott tried to laugh, “A
boyfriend. But…” he became quiet, “I can’t do that, Felix.”
Felix had been around
several men before and after Ben, and now he was impervious to bullshit. He
just shrugged and said, “All right.”
“It’s…” Scott sound
frustrated. “I want a normal life. I want a wife and kids. I’m not you. I’m not
all avant garde. I just want to be like everybody else.”
“Oh,” Felix said. And then
he said, “Well, then you are like everybody else.”
It took a long time for the pain
to sink in. By the time he heard that Scott was married to a girl named Jen and
there were babies on the way, there wasn’t even a pain anymore, just something
like a loose tooth. It hurt when he touched it. He couldn’t stop touching it
for a while, and then he moved on. With Ben, the further he came away from that
relationship, the more he felt he’d dodged a bullet. With Scott he felt like
he’d missed his chance at happiness.
“We
were together. Nothing happened, but we were together. Weren’t we?” Scott asked
him.
Felix
nodded.
“I
guess that’s why I always felt like you cheated on me.”
“Things
were not supposed to happen the way they did,” Scott said while Felix offered
the beer and Scott waved it off.
Jenny was just a girl he was seeing. She was
pretty, and her friends knew his friends. They had a good time and everything.
They went places and laughed and danced and partied with all the other twenty
somethings. Matt was in law school, and Scott felt like a little bit of a loser
for still being an undergrad.
“I’ve
got this great fucking job I could get you set up with,” Matt told him. “They’ll
love you. Especially you’re work ethic.”
Things
were good and then, one day, Jenny brought up moving in together. This was
right around graduation.
“That’s
a bit early,” he suggested, but Jenny said, “We’ve been together eighteen
months. Where is this thing going?”
“Whaddo
you mean?” Scott said, shrugging, “We’re together.”
“Yeah,
but…”
“We
went to Cancun !” he exclaimed, and she
couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, but she laughed and so did he. And then
around Easter Jenny called and said, “We need to talk.”
“About
moving in together?” Scott humored her. He was looking at the picture of the
two of them smiling, him in vest, white shirt and tie with his hair grown out
and golden, smiling furiously while she leaned on him.
“No,”
Jenny said nervous. “About something more important.”
After the first obstetrician
appointment Scott came back home very quiet. He had said nothing to his parents,
and Joey followed him upstairs then, like a dog, climbed onto the bed and lay
on the foot of it waiting for his brother, who was staring up at the ceiling,
to say something.
“Kim’s
pregnant,” Scott said, simply.
Joey
turned to him, raising an eyebrow.
Scott
added: “With twins.”
Joey,
bless him, only blinked. His little brother whispered, “Whaddo you wanna do?”
“I
want her to have an abortion.”
“Oh,”
Scott could tell his brother was trying to keep the emotion out of his voice.
“Don’t
worry,” Scott said. “She’s not going to, and I’d feel like an asshole offering
to pay for it.”
“Then
what?”
“I’m
going to do the thing I was brought up to do.”
When Scott got up to use the
restroom, Felix reached for his wallet and opened it up again to the picture
Scott had shown him. Again, his hair moussed and combed till it was extra
golden, that almost terrified smile, an impossibly happy smile on his face
while he stood under the lattice holding Jenny and she reached up and kissed
him. The other picture where he grinned and fed her wedding cake.
I wanted to die that day….
Felix, have you ever had a day where you wanted to die?
The
toilet flushed and Felix quickly shut the wallet, putting it back down and
folding his legs under him, waiting for Scott to come out. He listened to the
sound of the water as Scott washed his hands, and then came out, still looking
twenty two and said, “You’re still here.”
“It’s
my apartment, Scott.”
“I
know,” Scott leapt onto the couch and it groaned under his one hundred eighty
pounds. “But I keep feeling like it can’t be real. You, and me.”
“Well…”
Felix dropped it. He was about to say, “Since you’re almost thirty with two
kids and a wife you hate, its pretty believable.”
“It’s
getting late,” Scott said, looking at his wrist even though it bore no watch.
“Do
you turn into a pumpkin?”
“No,
but… I should go.”
“You’re
just saying that.”
Scott
grinned and nodded, taking his tumbler.
“You’re
right,” he said. “I am.”
“Do
you want to stay the night?”
Scott
looked at him.
“Like
the other night, I mean. Not like do you want to fuck me. Just…”
“I
know,” Scott brushed it away. “No, no. That’s fine. I’d like that. I’d like to
just sleep next to you. We could hold each other and… you know? I’d like that.
Just like kids.”
“I
don’t know what kids you grew up with, but no.”
“Well
then just like something innocent,” Scott said. “I could use something innocent
in my life.”
“You
and me both.”
“Oh?”
Scott looked at him. “You do stuff you regret?”
“No,”
Felix shook his head. “But all the same, innocence is nice.”
Scott
wasn’t looking at him. He swallowed nervously and quickly reached for Felix’s
hand.
Felix
squeezed Scott’s hand and Scott squeezed back.
“What’s
your biggest fantasy?”
“What?”
Felix said.
“Your
biggest fantasy.
Without
thinking, Felix said:
“That
someone would care enough to lie to me.”
“Huh?”
“Truth
is overrated. Someone who loves me enough, cares enough about what I think of
them, about my feelings, that they don’t dump all of their stuff on me, that they….
Don’t tell me everything. I don’t know… I think there’s something to be said
for that.”
“The
only one who ever said it was Ben, and he said it when it was too late. He was
always telling me the truth.”
“Huh?”
“He
would never call. He didn’t think I was the one. He would tell me about fucking
April.”
“What
a shit.”
“And
I don’t mean to dwell on it,” Felix said, “only, I’ve often felt that truth is
a weapon and… sometimes when I hear about the person who was cheated on and
never knew about it or… never knew about a lot of stuff, I think, I wish
someone loved me enough to lie to me.”
“I
can’t promise to lie to you,” Scott said, “But you wanna go on a late night
walk again?”
“Yes,”
Felix said. “Eventually. I kinda want to just sit here for a moment.”
Scott
nodded, and then he said, “I have to go to Fort Atkins
“Huh?”
“Me,”
Scott turned to him, pointing to his chest. “Wearing a suit and a tie, with
hair actually styled, picking you up, and taking you someplace.”
“Uh…”
Felix began. “Yeah… You can do that.”
“Where’ve you been?” Scott said
tiredly. He never yelled. The kids were sitting at the kitchen table while he
scooped peas onto their plates.
“I
was out,” Jenny said.
“With
him?”
“With
him,” Jenny answered. “With him. Yes with him.”
“With
who, Mommy?” Taylor
“Don’t
worry about it,” Scott put his hand on his son’s head.
“Don’t
worry about it, baby,” Jenny agreed and Scott followed her into the living
room.
“Can
I talk to you?”
“Sure
Scott,” she said, brusquely.
“Are
you fucking him?” he demanded.
“Well,
I’m certainly not fucking you.”
Scott
threw his hands up in the air and screamed.
“What?”
Jenny demanded, after she had recovered from shock.
He
shook his head. “This is impossible.”
“You
look so disgusted,” Jenny said. “You look so snide.”
“I
am disgusted, Kim.”
“You’re
disgusted every night. I knew it. I should have known it. I always pretended I
didn’t see it.”
“What
the fuck are you talking about?”
“If
I had a dick you’d fuck me.”
“Shut
up!” Scott hissed. “The kids!”
Jenny
stomped up the stairs, and he followed her.
“You
don’t even touch me. You haven’t wanted to touch me in years. If I hadn’t
gotten pregnant we wouldn’t even be together.”
“Of
course we wouldn’t be together!” Scott exclaimed. “Marrying you was the worst
day of my life!”
He
closed the door and threw her against the wall.
“Let
me go!”
“No!”
“How
many people have you fucked since we got married?”
“How
many men have you fucked?”
Scott
shook his head, frowning at her.
“I’ve
never cheated on you.”
“Well,
maybe you should start. I’ve been fucking around since before I went down the
aisle.”
Scott
stepped back from her like he was drunk. He looked to the door, his eyebrows
raised.
“Don’t
worry. Those kids are yours.”
“We
always used condoms. You were on the pill, so…”
Jenny
shook her head, looking a little triumphant.
“What?”
Scott said.
“I
wanted you,” she said, shaking her head and looking confused. “I wanted you so
bad, Scott. You didn’t want me. I should have walked way. But instead I stopped
taking the pill. And then,” she shrugged, “I poked holes in the condoms.”
While the train pulled into the
station, Scott typed into his phone.
So glad to wake up with you
He waited for what sarcastic
thing Felix would write back. He was surprised when what came back was:
Are you safe? Are you there yet?”
Just driving in.
Don’t kill anyone.
LOL
Then suddenly, Felix typed:
I can’t wait till you get
back.
Me neither. Get ready for
our date. I gotta get off this phone now.
Be safe
You too.
Then
Scott typed:
Love u, Buddy.
He
waited a few moments, looking at the blank screen. It was true, but it was
noncommittal. Sort of. It was...
Then
Felix wrote back.
I love you too, Scott.
The
train squealed to a halt and Scott bit his lip, pulling the phone to his chest.
He couldn’t stop himself from smiling.
The first man he ever fucked was Heath. He’d been
fooling around with guys before, but he finally fucked Heath against his sofa,
and when he came, Scott’s eyes flew open with the release, the hot feeling of shooting
deep into the abyss of another man.
“I don’t usually do things like this,” he
said.
“I don’t
either,” Heath began, then he said, “But I have done them.”
“My wife
thinks I’m gay so I decided I might as well do it,” Scott explained. Then,
“Actually, she’s fucking someone else right now. Not that you really want to
hear all of this.”
“No, I’ll
listen,” Heath told him, sitting up.
That was
an excellent way, Heath had learned, of saying, “No, I don’t really care about
this. No, I’m not a therapist, but I’m not threatened by this either.”
“Do you
think you’d like to do this again? I mean,” Scott said, hunting for his jeans
and picking them up, stretching out his legs to pull them on. “If you liked it?
Would you like to do it again?”
“It’s
been a long time since I’ve had a boyfriend, and i’m not likely to get one
again anytime soon, so yeah,” Heath said. “This is definitely something I could
get used to.
Jason
was pulling on his tee shirt now and reaching for his jacket.
“That
was simple. You know, around here, church on every corner. Lots of Catholic
guilt. You can never tell.”
When Scott was sure Jenny was fucking around, it
made it easier for him to sneak away and get motel rooms. One night, even
though he had been expecting it, the knock on the door still came as a
surprise.
Scott ‘s legs seemed to unfold and stand up of their own accord,
and then he came to the door,
trembling.
“Hello?” he said on the other side, and then answered it, not
wanting to seem crazy.
“Come
in,” he said. He stretched out his hand manfully as he opened the door and
hoped he didn’t look too eager. “I’m Scott.”
The
other young looked around the apartment. It was on loan for the day. Ryan never
asked questions. Scott watched this guy lick his lips nervously and Scott was
instantly hard. His heart was thumping. He couldn’t really feel the ground
beneath him.
“I’m The
guy,” he said.
“Cool,”
Scott sounded breathless. “That’s what you said.”
“Yeah,”
The guy said dumbly.
Scott’s
apartment consisted of the cozy living room, a breakfast nook with a window
threw it and then a short hallway to what should have been a bedroom. He slept
on the large futon, that looked like a sofa, and The Guy was looking around,
his hands shoved in his pocket.
“So,” he
said, “where do we do this?”
Suddenly
Scott didn’t want to do this. The breathless excitement was merely on his end,
he realized. There was that wonderful surprise sex, often when you’d been
talking to a guy for a long time, missing appointments, meaning to get together
but not doing so, or maybe just the heat right away that kept relationships
going and friendships going long after the sex. In that kind of thing a guy
came to the door eager as a puppy and before you had locked his hands were all
over you, his tongue in your mouth. You could order sex, but you could not
really order passion.
“Over
here,” Scott said, sounding smaller. “That couch is a bed. It lets out.”
If this
was going to be business, then Scott added, “Did you bring anything?”
“I got a
condom. If that’s what you mean.”
“That’s
what I meant.”
The guy
asked him, “Do you want me to fuck you?”
Well,
just out there, like that.
“Do you
want to fuck me?” Scott asked him.
“Yeah,”
The guy said, his voice dull.
Scott
sort of hated him right now. Scott said: “All right.”
He
undressed slowly, and climbed onto the bed, on hands and knees and arched his
back like a cat as The Guy entered him. He realized that here was a good
looking young man inside of him, on his birthday, and he hadn’t ordered up a
wonderful companion or a friend, or a lover, he had ordered a fuck. and there
was no point in being all hurt because that was all this fool was. He felt good
in him and Scott was, after all, the master of the house, so he pulled him out and
sat on the bed looking over The guy’s body. His penis was thick in the midst of
dark hair going all up the side of his thighs ,spreading to his stomach and
chest.
“Sit
down,” he told him. and The guy obeyed.
“Get on
your back,” Scott said.
Scott,
erect now. was powerful for the first time all day, and he felt sexy for the
first time in he didn’t know how long. He was long and slender and blond and
somewhat good looking. He knelt down and took The guy in, deep inside of him,
and then he began to ride him, his hands pressed to The Guy’s chest, running
over his breast, over his nipples making him maon , feeling the piston throb
inside of him shake him, The Guy reached up now and again as their bodies
bucked.
And then
The Guy’s mouth opened. The Guy kept leaning up, leaning up. He wanted to kiss
him. suddenly Scott let him. His tongue was like a whip. It lurched in his
mouth and pulled him down. His hand pulled Scott, his body came
pressing against Scott’s. Their bodies pressed together and The Guy’s hands
were in his hair, demanding. Scott turned over over so that the dark haired
stranger was on top of him.
Scott
put a hand up. For a while went down on The Guy, while moans escaped from the
other young man’s mouth. And then he bent down
and kissed Scott quickly and went down his belly and took him in his
mouth. He shocked Scott, Scott bucked up and down and The Guy lifted his head,
looking up at him.
“Are we
going to to this?” Scott said. “Are we going to do this properly like two
people who don’t have issues?”
“Yeah,”
the other guy said, eagerly.
“Alright,
then,” Scott lay on his back, he pulled The guy between his legs. “Alright.”
Scott never knew quite how he felt coming back
home from these encounters. The fucking, and then later the being fucked, was
exhilarating. But by the time he was home he felt blank—not ashamed—just blank.
And then, sleeping alone, he felt more alone, more hopeless than ever before.
But the moments of sex were moments of intense freedom and when things had been
going on like this for some time Jenny simply said:
“I’m
pregnant. And it’s not yours.”
Later
that night while Scott was talking to Matt, his best friend said: “You need a
good divorce attorney.”
Scott
was silent, confused. He said: “What about you?”
“Yeah,
Scott,” Matt told him, wearily, “That’s what I meant.”
“Daddy! Daddy!”
Nathan
and Taylor ran down around the porch and down the steps racing into Scott’s
arms, and he lifted them up as they shouted.
“My
boys,” he kissed them both, and setting them down.
“The boys are getting so big!” Scott enthused.
“And Nathan’s going to be the lead in the Easter play. It’s not religious
though, because Jenny didn’t want them going to Catholic school.”
“What?”
Matt said, “is he a bunny?”
“He’s
The Bunny,” Scott chuckled. “Taylor
Matt
bust out laughing and clapped his hands.
“Kids,”
he said, “they fucking change you.”
Scott
nodded, though he wasn’t entirely sure how his kids had changed him. They had
changed his life. They were the reason he and Matt were having drinks with
these clients, the reason he was in a suit and tie and paying for a house.
“Alright,”
Matt said, “let’s straighten up our ties and look like the bright young things
these old fuckers want us to be.”
“You
need to stop, man,” Scott said.
While Scott and Matt waited at the train station
with Jack Cromwell and Arthur Beaman, the older man said, “You guys like what
you do?”
“I love
it,” Matt said with so much joy Scott wondered if he was joking.
“It’s a
good life,” Scott said.
“You’ve
got beautiful children and a great wife,” Cromwell told him.
“Yes,”
Scott nodded.
“You
kids’ll go far in this life,” Arthur Beaman added.
“As long
as you want to,” Jack Cromwell said as the train pulled up.
“What’s
that, sir?” Matt said.
“As long
as you want to,” Jack said. “You could find yourself forty and regret
everything you’ve done.”
While
Matt was blinking, Jack Cromwell said, “Have a good night, boys.”
Arthur
Beamon affectionate shook Scott’s shoulder, and the two older men got onto the
train leaving Matt and Scott staring at the ground.
Even
though he didn’t really have a home anymore, being away from home gave him that
se addiction. Even though he loved Matt, as soon as those old guys were on the
train and their business meeting was done, he’d wanted to contact the guy he’d
emailed the night before.
As the sky darkened and the green ears of
corn on either side of him darkened while he sped down the country road with
the boy in his car, he remembered what Matt had said to him after Larry and
Jack had left on the train.
“You in a hurry? I saw you check your
phone.”
“I’m gonna meet somebody before I head out.
About something.”
“That’s vague.”
“Yeah,” was all Scott said.
“I won’t ask then. Do you have to go back
tonight?”
“I…” Scott thought on this then said, “I got someone back there.”
“Guy or girl.”
Scott looked at him.
“A guy,” Matt said.
“He’s awesome, and I want to sleep next to
him tonight.”
“You were always better at being yourself
than I was,” Matt said.
“Not that much better,” Scott said as they
walked off of the platform, “or else I wouldn’t be in this situation.”
Suddenly Matt said: “You love those kids?”
“Of course I do.”
Matt nodded as they went to
Scott’s car, “Then before you meet whoever you have to meet, we need to go over
some shit so you can have your kids near you and sue the shit out of that
bitch.”
Before it was liquor that Scott
couldn’t get enough of, but the first time he’d had sex with another man, it
was like a drug for him as well. When he’s started he couldn’t stop. He spent
nights online and on the phone looking for the next fix, the next fuck. It
happened in benders and no sooner had Scott left the train station and Matt,
then he’d gotten a message from this hot thing with the almost beard riding
beside him.
“Right
here, good?” Scott asked.
“Yeah,”
the kid said dumbly. He had the look of someone who needed a fix and didn’t
want to look at his junkie. Scott shrugged and they got out of the car, pushing
through the cornstalks. He was already ramrod hard and the kid had a nice ass.
He grabbed it. The boy turned around got on his knees and pulled at Scott’s
trousers. Scott threw his blazer on the ground. It got stuck on the stalks as
the boy inhaled his cock.
“That’s
it. That’s it,” Scott said. “That’s just right. Fuck.” Scott closed his eyes.
None
of it mattered now. Jenny and the kids didn’t matter. The car by the road
didn’t matter, just this kid’s tight hot mouth on his cock, just his tongue
licking up and down his shaft, just his hands on his ass. He was so hungry.
“Fuck
me,” the kid commanded, thickly.
He
stood up and Scott turned him around to grip the fence. Scott spat on his hand
and rubbed his dick and then they both groaned as Scott entered him.
“Aahh,”
the kid’s voice grew louder as Scott pushed deeper into him.
“Yeah,”
Scott panted. Above them the sky was going darker with rain clouds, and Scott
began to fuck him gently.
“That’s
it,” the kid said. “Hit it. Hit it.”
That
was it. It felt so good. So basic, so… tender. There wasn’t anything more
tender than this. He’d be home tonight, in Felix’s arms, and one day they’d
have this. All the things they wanted to do in the dark that he had to do right
here, all the tenderness and love he felt for him. How he wanted to give this to
him.
“You
know,” Scott said in a shallow voice while he fucked him, “You’re a really nice
guy. You got some really pretty—”
Scott
was disconcerted as the kid pulled away from him, unscrewing himself and his
pants down, he looked at Scott in anger.
“What
did I say?” Scott demanded. “You’re a really beautiful—”
And
then the kid punched Scott in the face and while Scott groaned and tried to
pull himself into this pants, the kid kicked him in the gut. Scott heard the
sounds of jangling and realized, blinking, the kid had stolen his keys.
With
the mind of a business man, Scott remembered his blazer and moved through the
cornfield, beating back the cornstalks that threw themselves in his face. But
they got in the way of the kid too, and just as he was coming to the car and
out of the fields, Scott tackled him and began to beat the shit out of him.
“Stop!”
the boy wailed. “Stop.”
Scott
stopped and the boy looked at him.
“What
are you…?” the boy caught his breath. “What are you going to do to me?”
Scott
looked equally winded and like he couldn’t decide either. And then, suddenly he
pushed the boy’s legs in, bending him like an accordion, and while the boy’s
eyes went blank with fear, Scott began to fuck him.
This
time while the boy cried out, his voice broken like a sob, the more he
screamed, the harder Scott fucked him. This wasn’t like being with Felix at
all. This wasn’t like how he wanted to be with Matt all those years ago. This
was sex. Sex was violent. When Jenny had poked holes in condoms, gotten him drunk,
screwed him and then trapped him into marriage it was just—”
“Oh…
God—”
AS
“Please—”
VIOLENT
“Fuuucccccck!”
AS
They both shouted as Scott lost
balance and came inside of the kid.
THIS.
Scott stopped for a moment,
waiting for his balance to return, caught in the triumph of sex. This was the
most triumphant, the least confused he’d ever felt with another person. And
then he realized that the last time he’d forgotten himself with this boy, he’d
nearly lost his car, so he climbed off of him, and while the kid was still
accordioned on the ground. Scott staggered to his car and climbed in.
As
he put the key in the ignition the kid shouted, unfolding himself painfully
from the dirt.
“What
are you doing!”
Scott
waited for the boy to stagger to the car, and when he hung from the side of the
door and demanded, “What the fuck are you doing? Town’s thirty miles away.”
Scott looked at him impassively and said, “Leaving you here.”
He
turned the key, and the ignition growled, and then the car sped down the road.
The boy chased it for only about ten paces before collapsing in the road, and
when Scott turned on the radio he heard Korn roar:
I'm coming undone
One looks so strong
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
One looks so strong
So delicate!
“What the fuck!” Felix cried when
he opened the door.
“Whaddo
you mean?”
“Have
you seen you face?”
“No,”
Scott shook his head.
“What
happened?”
“I
got into a little trouble,” Scott said. “And no, I don’t want to talk about
it.”
When
Felix just stood there, he said, “Can I come in?”
“Oh!”
Felix remembered him, and he pulled Scott in saying, “Let me get a cold cloth.
I don’t keep ice in the house, but I’ve got a half frozen jug of water. Just
let me… Get that.”
Felix
was headed to the kitchen when he turned around and said, “Does it hurt?”
“Not
really,” Scott said. “I’m just… I’m glad to be home—I mean, here.”
Felix
opened his mouth, then he nodded and went to the kitchen.
While
Felix was handing Scott the cold cloth, Scott said, “Your head’s covered in
soap.”
“Ah,
that’s right. I was shaving my head. I do it every four days. I need to get
back to it. Can you mind yourself?”
Scott,
cloth pressed to his face, nodded.
Felix
went into the little bathroom, turned on the hot water and began to wet his
hair again and then, turning it off, took the razor to it. A few moments later
he said, “Scott, I feel you breathing on my head.”
“You
do that every four days?”
“Alopecia
runs in the family and a few years ago,” Felix explained, running the razor down
his scalp, carefully, “a patch disappeared from the back of my head. It came
back, but now and again little patches would disappear. And then, this year,
three patches just fell out and I was like… fuck it. I can’t deal with that
shit anymore. So… And maybe it will come back, and maybe it won’t, but…”
“I
like it,” Scott shrugged. He put his hand out.
“What?”
“I’ll
finish it for you.”
Felix
looked at him.
“I
promise not to cut you up.”
“It’s
not that,” Felix said. Then he handed the razor over, and Scott dipped it in
the water, then began to shave his head.
“It
makes life a lot easier,” Felix said.
Then
he said, “You know when you said it’s good to be home?”
“I
didn’t mean it,” Scott said. “I mean back in town is home, not like, this is my
home. It’s your home and—”
“I’m
glad you’re home, too.”
Scott
smiled.
“Did
you get my message?”
“Which
one?”
“I
think I said something to the effect of I love you.”
“Yes,”
Scott said. “Yes, I got that.”
“And
I think you said—”
“That
I love you.”
Scott
dipped the razor in the water and finished shaving. Felix took the bottle of
alcohol from the sink, and with a bit of toilet paper, began to dab it all over
his head.
“A
minimum of blood,” he smiled, satisfied, looking at the wet paper.
Felix
put the cold cloth on his head and then he said, “Would you go into that
cupboard and hand me the Vaseline?”
Scott
nodded, and then he crossed the small space to lean into the hallway, reach for
the Vaseline, and hand it to Felix. Felix took a small dab and began to rub it into
his hands and then over his head.
“Felix?”
“Yes?”
“You
know what I would like you to do?”
“Huh?”
Scott
handed him the razor.
“No!”
Felix shook his head. “I love your hair! It’s great hair.”
“I
never had it like this until Jen. Cut it off, for me. I look like a tool.”
Then
Scott, with his black eye laughed, “We can look like twins.”
“You’re
going to look like something from a concentration camp. Go in the kitchen, and
I’ll get the scissors and do it. If you’re serious.”
Scott
nodded and left the bathroom, and Felix turned out the light heading after him.
Scott
sat in the chair, and Felix wetted his hair and then, hesitating at first, he
lifted a wet lock of Scott’s hair and cut it.
“And
now the rest,” Scott directed.
Felix
obeyed, and heard his sheers cut through Scott’s hair.
“Are
you going to tell me what happened in Michigan
“No,”
Scott replied as the sheers cut the last of the hair they could cut, and Felix
reached for the soap.
“But
if you ask nicely,” Scott said, “I’ll tell you a lie.”
